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Monday, May 10th, 2004
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1:22 pm
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she's a brick
and i'm drowning slowly..
So today was really awful. Firstly, the bus driver got lost and went the wrong way. And then got lost trying to find the right way. So I was half an hour late for work. So, provincial buses, you owe me three quid.
Then. An argument. You know, arguments bother me a lot. I remember when I was young enough to still be walked to primary school, and occasionally the morning conversation would turn to an argument. And I would storm through the school gates angry and upset, and then instantly wish I hadn't. The black cloud of an argument would hang over me all day, and I would sit at the window, wondering where my mum was, if she was okay, and feeling sorry. I used to get that horrible stomach ache in the pit of my gut, of dread and regret, and want to run out of the school gates and find my mum at home and say I'm sorry and make things right.
Not even buying some ladybird imitation Converse at Woolworth's made it better. These shoes are exactly like Chucks, stitching and all, but with red sides, a green tongue, and turquoise trimming. Like the best Chucks you've ever seen, but for £3.50! That's right! £3.50!
But still the black cloud.
------EDIT------------------------------------------------------------------
A letter
"
To You,
I know that life is tougher for you than most. I know that you find it harder than most to catch with capable hands the everyday heartbreaks that life offers up. But what I will say is this, it works both ways, my closest confidante. There will be nights when you find it hard to breathe because of a comment that many would brush off as hearsay. There will be mornings you can barely drag yourself from your bed because of a broken friendship when many would have moved on; an adultery when often people can shrug it off. But try and be thankful that you have the mental and emotional capacity to consider things so thoroughly and sensitively. Whilst you have an inability to let things pass without over analysation, you also have the inability to walk past a puddle without noticing that ray of sunlight hidden inside it, you find it impossible to not appreciate the beauty of a summer breeze or the smell after the rain has fallen. And one day, one day, there will be days when you can't bear to stay in bed because the sky is so beautiful, and it will be impossible to breathe because you can't concentrate on all the tiny factors that make life so overwhelming. So, consider it not a burden, but a hidden talent my friend.
"
heaven's not a place that you go when you die, it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive - so live for the moment and take my advice live by every word, love's completely real so forget anything that you ever heard, and live for the moment now...
- The Spill Canvas
current mood:  creative
current music: vinyl dialects- ouch
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| Saturday, March 27th, 2004
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8:48 am
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so.. it's Friday night, I've just come in (so you didnt think I sat on the net all night :p), checking my emails, get an instant message from this guy, who I've NEVER spoken to before. READ this... it's SHOCKING!
x
Tony141446: Want to chat??
Tony141446: Maybe earn a few quid
Xthesoscall: I’m busy, what do you mean earn a few quid?
Tony141446: oh hi...you near Fareham then?
Xthesoscall: sort of, why?
Tony141446: I am 37 and not far from fareham too
Tony141446: Do you want to meet up?
Xthesoscall: whaaaaa?
Tony141446: Well?
Xthesoscall: mate we've only just started speaking
Tony141446: hehe.....not really
Tony141446: if you want to earn a few quid..it would be fun!
Xthesoscall: earn a few quid how exactly?
Tony141446: Ummm
Tony141446: You could come round to my place
Xthesoscall: are you joking? and.. a FEW quid?
Tony141446: well it would be a bit more than a few obviously!!
Tony141446: Its not a joke if you are up for it!!
Xthesoscall: i actually find that quite insulting to be honest
Tony141446: Its exciting
Tony141446: Oh well..its not meant to be
Tony141446: Sorry..
Tony141446: did you ever do any modelling?
Xthesoscall: er.. no?
Tony141446: OK
Xthesoscall: why?
Tony141446: you seem very hostile..sorry to have upset you
Xthesoscall: wouldn't you expect that from trying to BUY someone you've only just met!
Tony141446: Put like that it seems quite bad, but it wasnt really meant to be like that
Xthesoscall: what was it meant to be like?
Tony141446: It was meant to be a bit of fun and excitement on a Friday night
Tony141446: I have the money
Tony141446: Just need someone to play the game!
Tony141446: thats all it is
Xthesoscall: so you find demeaning women and offering money for sex a bit of fun on friday night? sounds like you need to pay for a counsellor mate
Tony141446: Good night
Tony141446: Sorry to bother you
Xthesoscall: so am i
current mood:  aggravated
current music: rise against
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| Sunday, February 29th, 2004
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6:19 pm - if i remember anything, i'll make mistakes again..
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i am cool
and also a little bit teenager haha
on a more primary school note..
♥Rosie and ♥Jesse lacey | - Plan to conceive twenty-eight thousand identical girls.
- Wish to hug each other, except after meals, and after MacGyver.
- Share a deep puddle of secrets.
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current mood:  crazy
current music: Get Up Kids- A New Found Interest In Massachusettes
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| Saturday, February 28th, 2004
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4:06 pm
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my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
.... and damn right, it's better than yours..
I remembered last night why I rarely go out and get trashed, or go out to clubs lately... picture the scene; two workmates have invited you out, looks to be quite a fun evening until one gets horribly drunk, (horribly) and starts shouting "fuck the police" at the top of her voice, spilling drinks over everyone, phlegming on people, taking her bra off and pole dancing on the staircase of goblets... not very cool at all.
I thought Nexus might be a bit better until we realised it was indie night; cue mullets and scarves, lots of dubious dancing and a playlist that involved Kings Of Leon, Franz Ferdinand and, for the love of God, Pulp. I decided it was then time to go home and the taxi cost me a tenner. Not the best evening I've ever had!
Today I ate a KFC and now I feel sick. I always feel sick.
I got Taking Back Sunday tickets!! Yeahh!!
Interesting entry.
xx
PS- If you haven't heard, some DJ (Danger Mouse) has mixed The Beatles' White Album and Jay Z's Black Tuesday, to make the mega, Grey Tuesday, EMI have banned it, but if you want it.. http://www.slumdance.com/blogs/brian_flemming/archives/000647.html#dj_danger_mouse_grey_album
current mood:  bloody sinusitis...
current music: Something Corporate- Konstantine
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| Sunday, February 22nd, 2004
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9:31 pm
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I'm not good at all this love stuff, and all these games. So if you say we're going to do something, and then you don't text me, am I supposed to message you a hundred times asking you what the hell's going on and if you're sleeping with someone else like I think you probably are, or play it cool and pretend I'm not going out of my mind when I actually am.
I can't play it cool, I am so utterly rubbish at any attempt to be cool and aloof. Why am I so rubbish?
Why does my imagination wind me up so...
I have this vague feeling that I ought to tell you where to shove it..
Why doesn't someone love me like I love everybody else...
and where is summer? I want summer!
Nothing interesting happened this week apart from there was a battle of the bands and I was bored and everyone got drunk and did loads of drugs so I went home.
And my bro just put a blink poster on his wall and it reminded me, holy shit, i love tom delonge.
xxx
current mood:  melancholy
current music: Van Morrison- And It Stoned Me
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| Monday, February 16th, 2004
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12:43 pm - my deviantart site x
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| Wednesday, February 11th, 2004
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9:28 pm
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i've been sleeping too much, and i looked my dream up in my new dream book and it said "cancel all plans to travel, be careful, your life is about to reach dire consequences. make some big changes." so. whoah. i know it's just a book, but i was slightly disturbed by it; i've been coasting along feeling like lots is wrong, but not really sure what to do, and apparently that's been manifesting itself in my subconscious too, which is.. scary.
at university we've been learning about the holocaust, and i've been realising how naive i am about everything. it is also so tragic and terrible, sort of puts my life into perspective when I think of how much I moan.
here's a silly boy haiku to finish this sad entry off.
since christmas you have
got emo hair and a scarf
i think i love you
x
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Saosin- Seven Years
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| Sunday, February 8th, 2004
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10:06 pm - don't you say a word, unless you're pretty sure that you want it analysed..
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| Friday, February 6th, 2004
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6:30 pm - i've seen more guys in eleven year old kids
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(Anonymous)
2004-02-05 06:20 (link) Select
oh dear god,
you are not the amount of comments you get
slightly attention seeking, huh.
why not have a journal for yourself? not just for hopeful leagues of male admirers?
(Reply to this) (Thread)
Re:
entirelysmooth
2004-02-06 10:30 (link) Select
firstly, 'anonymous', and let's start by saying how big and brave you are for not leaving your name. obviously you have the sort of really interesting and fulfilling life where you have to go and make jibes at other people. i feel really sorry for you.
i didn't make you read it, in fact, stay the hell away from my journal you vacuous insipid twat.
go wrap your car around a tree, loser.
current mood:  devious
current music: Funeral For A Friend- The Art Of American Football
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| Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004
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12:56 pm - been thinking about you.. and there's no rest.. x
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you're all fuckers
why don't you comment my journal more?
every time i get NO comments i die a livejournal suicide a little bit more each day
so you're killing me bit by bit
fuckers
anyway, recently i like
x my new loud stereo
x new friends, no questions
x waking up with someone
x that just washed bed sheet feeling
x my new nike air force ones. er.. bling?
and i hate
x torrential rain
x no sleep
x not saying things that are on my mind
x uncomfy pants
current mood:  discontent
current music: Radiohead- Thinking About You (?)
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| Friday, January 30th, 2004
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11:50 am
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yesyesyes
singing and recording and snow and cold hands. hot sheets and breath and sticky hands. houmous and toast and the tesco delivery man. the walk home is a killer. ice and broken hearts. snow beneath my feet, stuffed beneath your wings. castle walls and wine and making fingermouse out of paper. your smile in black and white, matt with white borders. secret poems. good friends. lovers. the sultry sound of soft guitar and sometimes, roni size, very loud. it's true.
i slide my hands down your back as i dream about killing you..
this, this, this is far too crazy.
darling
the flu has made me mental.
current mood: meeeental
current music: Roni Size- Dirty Beats
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| Wednesday, January 28th, 2004
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11:14 pm
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15..? Pffft.
I have had the flu for the last few days; cue lots of lying in bed staring at the ceiling thinking and overanalysing minute things. When you look at your life through a microscope everything seems wrong, everything seems like I should have been rid of it much sooner. I feel like my life is spent meandering along, making do with friends, and university, and the sitations that I find myself in. I can't think of anything that is perfect at the moment, friends, university, even my mental, physical and emotional health is at it's worst in a long, long time. The last time I was truly happy? Probably when I went away last week- a breath of fresh air from humdrum Southampton life; the start of something new? I thought I'd made all the right moves and yet.. "let's just be friends, you could be the ultimate girl friend.." One space between the words, one heartbreak.. again. Meh.
On a brighter note, it snowed today :] Pictureage!
current mood:  cold
current music: John Mayer- Split Screen Sadness
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| Monday, January 26th, 2004
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4:47 pm - i'm in the aisle, yelling fire..
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Dinosaur
To see a dinosaur in your dream, symbolizes an outdated attitude. You may need to discard your old ways of thinking and habits.
To dream that you are being chased by a dinosaur, indicates your fears of no longer being needed or useful. Alternatively, being chased by a dinosaur, may reflect old issues that are still coming back to haunt you.
Dreams are strange.. I wish i knew more about them..
Brand New tonight! I am wetting myself in anticipation..
current mood: numb
current music: Straylight Run- The Tension And The Terror
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| Wednesday, January 21st, 2004
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1:43 pm - Deftones- My Own Summer
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| Wednesday, January 14th, 2004
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9:31 pm
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livejournal is a fatal blow to my already fragile self esteem!
an average of two comments per post?
livejournal sucks
and
IF I DONT GET AT LEAST FIVE COMMENTS FOR THIS POST BY FRIDAY NIGHT
it's over with me and livejournal :(
today i like
x making mix cds
x posting mix cds
x getting photos back
x random drives
x the rain when i'm inside
x vanilla coke
today i hate
x paranoia- will you like my mix cd?
x livejournal
...you're somewhere between a waste and the best place i've ever been...
i have a bad feeling that tomorrow is going to be the worst day of my life. i'm so scared.. :(
every quiz i have ever taken makes me a lesbian :( i took a pirates of the caribbean one the other day which even allowed you to specify your sex and i still got the woman pirate as my ideal lover. maybe it knows something i dont..?
current mood:  restless
current music: Onelinedrawing- Always New April
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| Tuesday, January 13th, 2004
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1:32 pm
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The wind beats against me, the storm pounding my fragile hull. My hair floats haphazardly around my shoulders like a movie star in an open top. I try to imagine the harsh winds carrying the scent of cigarettes from my hair and clothes, but the smoke has embedded itself in the fibres of my coat and scarf, and sunk into the pores of my skin. I think of your lazy fingers gripping a cigarette in the bar, watching the curls of smoke drift towards the ceiling and dance beneath the UV lights. This insalubrious scent is a small price to pay for that closeness, our legs touching, so that I can feel the contours of your hip, the rise and fall of your knee and the downward arc of your shin underneath your jeans. I know from a journey well travelled that this is where it begins, a brush of skin, an awkward smile, only to awake weeks later from love’s uncertain dream to turn around and look down the tracks with heartbreak and regret. I will choose not to fall in love tonight, to cast aside your eyes in the darkness, the feel of skin on skin, and to take my coat and leave. No more will I dabble in heartbreak, buy shares in the game of tragedy. And I am outside watching the pavement darken under cover of rain, watching hanging baskets swing in the storm. And I’m falling.
current mood:  bored
current music: Counting Crows- Raining In Baltimore
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| Thursday, January 8th, 2004
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2:44 pm
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nooo... not drummers! they are evil!
/what do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
/homeless.
drummers break hearts.
today i got my haircut.
it looks pretty nice but i couldn't get it too short because my mum said it made my face look fat.
mmmm pasta bake...
current mood:  refreshed
current music: Radiohead- Everything In Its Right Place
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| Wednesday, January 7th, 2004
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11:10 pm
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Today i have finished university for two and a half weeks. i don't know what the hell i'm going to do with over half a month off. i figure I'll do what I always plan to do, work on my languages, read a few books, better myself at guitar. You can probably learn a lot in two weeks, do a lot in half a month. But odds are, I won't.
A friend has an idea since he read a book called The Dice Man. He made me buy some dice and we're supposed to select options for a few days, like going away, or seeing places and doing things we'd like to do. He says it's exciting and empowering to leave the day to day decisions we make to fate. I'm not so sure I love that idea. Plus, half the time he makes me so angry I could almost kill him. Anyway.
I have had a creative day, sticking and writing and scribbling in my new diary. Why am I so obsessed with diaries and photographs and recording my day to day life when, for the most part, it's a tragedy?
rosie xx
current mood:  busy
current music: Jeff Buckley- Everybody Here Wants You
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| Saturday, January 3rd, 2004
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10:54 pm
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... why is it that i care so much when i shouldnt care at all..?
i cried on the bus about nothing and work was awful and i'm on the verge of tears and it's stupid, so stupid and i'm worried that you're mad and i don't care cos' you're ridiculous and i don't want to care but i do and all i can think of is how to make you love me and i have this feeling that if you heard your song or read your poem or if i took you for a walk or if you just gave me one chance, then i could make you need me but you don't and it's killing me.
and i hate my knees...
current mood:  confused
current music: Matchbox 20- Dear Joan
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| Thursday, January 1st, 2004
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9:43 pm
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So, new years. The Registry pub, then back to a friend's for a house party. It seems no planned get togethers can run smoothly anymore- "why is it that I care so much, when I shouldn't care at all..." I wasn't even that interested, but to find out that, as always, he prefers my best friend, was crushing. And to have other 'friends' agree that she is prettier, was worse. So, as usual, I stormed out, got the sympathy vote, always the one being consoled :( Always the one sitting by the stereo at the house party, giving anyone who didn't want to listen to Coheed the middle finger. It seems to me as it always has done, that I put people higher on my list of priorities than they do me. I like my friends a lot more than they do me most of the time. As I have noticed before, if only I was cool and aloof, if only I wasn't petrified of what would happen if I didn't ring THEM once in a while. It's just another day I feel like running away from it all...
... sometimes a man must awake, to find that really he has no one...
You are Guybrush!!!
"When I grow up, i wanna be a Pirate!!!"
You're our hero...a hopeless romantic, infact
you're pretty much hopeless in general, but
you're so adorably sweet! You're a bit of an
idealist and are gorgeous with those baby-faced
looks, shame no one ever believes you're over
21...
You also have a bit of a mischievous side and are
always willing for adventure right...
Which Character from Monkey Island are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
current mood:  giddy
current music: Jeff Buckley- Lover, You Should've Come Over
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entirelysmooth's journal
ianiceboy
ianiceboy